Fuck. I’m resisting even documenting this. It’s how I know, I need to.
In a couple of weeks, September 6 will mark 5 years since you left. It continues to feel like yesterday.
I feel like, since I’ve turned your death into my biggest life lesson, I should be able to open my eyes without the gaping hole where you used to be. I’m not. I only become more masterful at living With it.
You’re everywhere. In everything.
I wanna share the wins, the losses, the ups, the downs, oh we know how we so appreciated each other in those moments. Now, they arrive, in the empty space you used to fill. Some days, no problem, I can rely on my extensive community (PS, you’d love them) and some days, I can’t find the words to open up.
I miss the moments you’d look at me and just, get it. You were the only one who got it.
I’m angry that I didn’t get to tell you how much I made up about you, and then tortured you with in my story. How much I thought my life’s outcome was your fault. How much your death saved me. How selfish I felt about that.
I wanna hear you tell me I’m doing a great job, that I’m a great mom, that there isn’t a manual. I miss this possibly the most.
I forgive you. For it all. Parenting sucks balls. Most days my Love falls flat against sugar and iPads. I know you’d hold me when I cry, taken over by shame and guilt and the never-ending belief that I suck at this mom thing.
I forgive you for everything. For not being able to handle us. For the breaks you took that I always took personally. For the moments you considered suicide. I mean, I get it. We hated you. You gave us everything you had and so much that you didn’t, and we were angry little thankless jerks. Kids.
I wish I could tell you that I get it now. I see why you left him, and him, and him. I see it meant nothing about us. I see how scary it is to fall in Love when you’re a mom.
I wish I could celebrate my life with you. Travel somewhere exotic and never worry about paying the bill. Shit, never worry about paying anything, knowing you’d always have me in times of need.
I wish I could forgive you, and have you know it, see it. Hold you, hold me.
It’s crazy, yet another year has passed. You’re no further away than the day you left. Just more a memory, a person no one knew. (Heartbreaking, since you were such a light)
I miss the space to fall apart. To be Loved in all my messy-ness, no matter what.
No matter how many amazing Loving relationships I have, you are still missing.
I Love you. I’m sorry. I get it. Please tell me I’m doing a great job. I’m listening.
Love, Me ❤