It seems like just yesterday when I sat my butt in my Landmark Forum. I was terrified. Alone. Desperate. Hopeless. Angry. Checked out. Given up. You name it.
I did my best to appear to have it together. Yeah, isn’t that the one we all love to use. Yeah, not me over here, I don’t need this, I am getting by fine. Thanks.
My mom had just died, 3 weeks prior. I was pretty sure the rest of my life would be spent missing her and numbing the pain. I hated that she left me with Ayden, if you follow these, you know this story well.
So, here we are, over 4 years later.
I could have never fathomed the life I lead.
Tears flow down my cheeks as I look around. The people. I am so rich with people. They are so beautiful, you are all so beautiful.
Me? Really? Don’t y’all know that I am just some average girl?
See, finally I realize it actually has everything and nothing to do with ME. There really is no me, other than the personality preferences I carry around and enjoy fully.
I finally get it. I, like an I that is separate from you, doesn’t exist.
People are IT. The relationships we cultivate, they are our life.
First, with ourSelf. This is NOT a cliche, although difficult to discover. I’ve found it begins with others, for a while your reflections of me were the only thing I could look to. We all know I didn’t just Love me, just like that. It was through discovering mySelf in all of you.
Then, you became me. We lost all separation as I fell in Love with people.
This has been the coolest part of my journey, so far. The discovery of Love, as pure as I can possibly be the conduit of.
I clear mySelf out of the way to allow Love to seep through me onto the extraordinary people all around me. I finally believe this is my Purpose.
Tears flow. Really? I am still in shock and awe as I look around and see, literally see, my dreams. The vision of my life, unfolding before me, as if by chance, yet not at all.
I Love Ayden, I forgive mySelf for all the times I will fuck up. I put aside my fears. Stepping fully into the unknown. Excitement of a child and shaky Bambi legs.
I am about to turn 33. It’s the year I declare that all within my inner circle, and me, will have the desires of our hearts.
I look around at the Magic, Miracles. I ponder what could be on it’s way.
Wherever you are, please, trust me on this one. Hold your vision. You are not alone, not crazy.
That is your life. That dream. If you can hold it lit, steady, as you meander through the haze.
I never believed there would be a day I could see, clearly. I was wrong.
Anything is Possible.
For all the times I pondered giving up. When I didn’t fucking want to move my legs, my feet. For the times I wondered if it was all for nothing. When I was called crazy. When people I Love doubted me, withdrew, left. To the broken moments, the expanding pain of my heart. The moments spent in child’s pose with snot running down my face in surrender, prayer. The times all I could do was close my eyes.
For they give me, Me. A version not even I can believe exists. No me. Nothing but Us. Namaste.