Vulnerability, Grief and an Earthquake….

Wow, it appears it’s been a month since I blogged.

When we had the earthquake out here, I wrote a blog post. I quickly decided to never share it with you all. I sent it to Ainsley, who promptly Thanked me for it and told me to post it. I didn’t.

Honestly, I didn’t want to share that vulnerably. Even though I share a shit ton with y’all, there is so much that goes on that I never share about.

One of those things was the earthquake. I was home, in our condo, Ayden, Chloe and I. It was late, I was working, as I am now. I got up to grab water, Chloe had just gone to bed. Cue. EQ.

Now, it’s not really the EQ that caused me to immediately write this blog…..but the energetic shift I experienced, occurring in that moment. I do know that this is simply what I created it to be, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Indescribable shit happens all the time. And we just go right back about life, business as usual……….. It left me with a giant WTF, HELLO???

That experience triggered this……….

 

They’re on their way. I called them. I called them after I watched her take her last breath. Screaming Sam’s name to wake him up. Terrified, I was. Terror. Fear. Loss. Gut Wrenching pain.
That’s it. Kids, that’s it. Your mom is gone. You can call for a ride home now. FUCKING WEIRD. REALLY? While we wait for our ride, I pack up my breast pump and make the phone calls.
One after one I call the 5 people on my list. She’s gone. She’s gone. She’s gone. Their responses are forever etched in my mind. Their pain ripped through me. I felt it.
Our ride, home……

I left the hospital with the strangest feeling. I looked around, nothing had changed. Life went on. No one stopped, they didn’t even bat an eye. I went home. My home, where
she slept and lived, empty. Her bed, I tuck it against a wall and wait till the next few days when I call to have it removed. Its a hospital bed, on loan from the Red Cross. Thank God
for that place, sidenote. I look around. Her clothes, they’re all still here, as if she just took them off. She’s never returning to put them on, they don’t know that. I hear her laughter
in the entry. Her tv isn’t on Law and Order, it’s not even on. Its silent. I can’t breathe. Roy makes food. I can’t eat. I lose presence now. I am not there.

I imagine Ma watching down on us. I knew she didn’t wanna leave. That was apparent, one of the most painful memories of that evening.

She hadn’t left me though. Quite the opposite actually. I can feel her energy more with me than ever. The downloads begin, fast and fierce.
I hear my life being taken over, I can’t express the fear and relief all at the same time. I am spent.

She was my life. My everything. Now, only a memory.

Someone we talk about a couple times a year because that’s when we do. She lives in my stories and my life. Every day I know she lives, through me.

I am honored she chose me. I feel her Love every moment. It guides me through.

See, her laugh, it could make it or break it for you. She was loud and alive. Then down and hopeless. She was life, on fire.

Years of my life I spent mad at her. Hating her for all that she didn’t do. Being angry that she “chose travelling over me”….I was 26…..
My mom was “depressed” and she had dark darks. I hated her for them. I was determined to ruin my life to spite her actually. For a long time, I was headed down that path.

Just when it seemed I had pulled it together, she does this. Fuck. You. Cancer. Just. Fuck. You. Go away. No.

I can feel the anger. I hate her so much. She is so dramatic and will even get sick for attention. OMG. Like, fuck. Ok. I guess I will just give up my life, which by the way was on the steady incline at the time.

Sidenote—-This was when I began to use a way of living I call the Choose your Own Adventure. I looked at what story I would want to tell about my choices, what would future me be most proud of. As if I was looking back.

I left my job, my city and dedicated my life to my mom.

We always had really great, deep, wise conversations. My mom and I, were NEVER at a loss for words. Unless we were mad at eachother. These only heightened as she went into the last 17 months of her life.

No words could ever describe what I learned from walking beside my mom during these times.

I learned. I listened as often as possible.

My mom would say things like….Hey, listen up, I am gonna be dead soon and you’re gonna care about what I’m saying. She was RAD. My time spent with her during these
times, especially the final 3 months, gave me my life, as it is today.

I knew it when I left the hospital, its what I feel now after the earthquake. The reminder that we are nothing. At all times we can lose it all. Everything. And the world doesn’t even stop.

Until it does.

I was reborn the day I lost Ma. She joined me, we transformed.

I hear her every day. She is not just a memory to me. She is the woman who gave me life and in her death, gave me life, again.

I now had access to everything, anything and nothing. Broken, in what I thought would be an unrepairable state, I kept walking. Waking. My feet didn’t stop, nor did the calendar. The mail man came as usual, and we packed up her things. In each thing I gave away I knew she would have wanted to be with everyone. I gave it all away.

She began to teach me. I could hear her plain as day. Always. I had access to her Grace 24/7 and I was beginning to see her. Me. Us.

She showed me Light.

I wish I could Thank her. I know I can, but what I wouldn’t give for a moment to see her beautiful face, relieved to know I get it.
Her eyes soften as she’s appreciated for every moment she stuck by me. Just for being my Mom.

For instilling in me the inherent knowing of my Value. I don’t know how you did it, but you were Love Ma.

…………………….They arrive. They’re together. They’re a mess. We all are. We attempt to hold it together, we want to fall to the floor. We probably do. I can’t remember a thing.

Days of blurriness happen. Ayden is with Mel, thank god, cause I could not function.

I just now pulled the grief card from my Wild Woman Mystery deck. I know that there is a piece of grief I haven’t let go of. The one that keeps me alone and strategic. And oh man, it works so well.

Grief, it’s visceral. As I write this I am in and out of flowing tears. Letting it all come. In all its Glory. Knowing that it is all signifying the release of an attachment
to who I think I am.

I don’t know who I am.

I do know that I have been stating that when I turn 33, everything is new. I feel it coming. I feel the oppourtunities arising. The earth is shaking. I can feel it. I keep hearing that we need to stop forgetting that this is our ONE life, in this body, NOW. We could lose it all, at any moment.

Love fiercely. Live Passionately. These are not just signs on a wall. Life is Discovered here.

I am so clear. There is nothing to this but Open up and Let Go. That’s it. Remember, it’s all in your hands, and its all in Gods hands.

Release all human concerns and complaints and ask, where can I best serve? Me, you, the whole? How can I start Now, with me.

Life lived passionately is in service to the Live-r.

This is it. And hold out, cause you are not alone. You always have everything you need. Its right there for you, just ask and align. That’s it. It’s all a cosmic buffet. Choose.

For when your energy aligns, miracles occur. Where miracles occur, Gratitude is born. Where Gratitude Lives, Love is Present. Where Love is Present. God is.

Our problems, our complaints……they’re nothing. Should the walls have crashed upon us tonight, those would never hold up, we’d pull together in a heroic story of community. What if you woke up and we were gone, then what? What matters?

Let us not go through life like nothing just happened. Look into your own experience and find the message. This year has shaken me to my core and just when I thought it
couldn’t throw another curve ball……….this.

In a moment, I am brought back to the strange feeling. Of being in a new realm. Of watching the world do business as usual. I am left pondering what that meant.

Knowing I make it all up. Knowing my feet shook. That Life is Precious.

That I need to get to sleep………

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