Again, awoken by Ayden’s familiar groan. Its probably between 8 and 8:50 and we are gonna be late for daycare, again. Am I the only Mom who thinks 9:30 is too early to be somewhere? I should be rushing around getting us there. Instead, I put on the coffee, call in late, hand him the Ipad and begin packing lunch.
One of the thoughts that used to stop me all the time was “I don’t want to”. I would hear that and begin a rambling of thoughts. “Perhaps this means I have too much on the go” “Maybe I don’t actually like what I am doing” “Why am I so unmotivated?” “What’s wrong with me?”
Now, insert a while to ponder these thoughts and see if any of them actually fix why I “don’t want to” ……. see if I can change the thoughts and suddenly “want to”……FAIL. I still don’t want to.
Because almost every day, the first thought I hear is I don’t want to. I hear it over and over again throughout the day too, as if to remind me how human I am.
There’s a choir of voices in my head that have zero interest in doing a darned thing actually. They tell me I need sleep, I have done enough, and come on, people don’t actually notice what you do. Man, they go on and on…..
Who knows why some days are easier than others. Some it feels like a full on battle, me vs me, once again. I hear myself telling a client, you know, you will always experience these thoughts, we’re human. Most days I can apply my own advice with little effort. Some, not so much.
Today was a challenge. I felt pretty grumpy, very unlike me, beginning with I don’t want to….get up….be generous…..support my community…..remove my screens so my windows can be washed. Yep, you can just hear me whining.
I did what I know to do. I called Ainsley. Said what I needed, cried, bitched….whatever was there. Back at my day and WHAM, there it is again, grumpy. This sucks. Ok, call, again. WHAM.
I share this because I know so many of us are dealing with the drive to look like we’ve got it all together. We think we should awaken with a never-ending supply of happy and motivated. Meanwhile, life is happening. It slams into us like a ton of bricks. Someone dies, we woke up late, stubbed our toe, someone leaves our lives, shit happens. WHAM. Life. We don’t want to. The call to go to “overwhelm” shows up. Strong.
Suddenly, we are caught. The choir is singing a familiar tune.
We choose. Moment to moment. Who will we be?
Yet, there are many moments as humans that we will look around and realize we went off track, got hooked. We believed a thought about how we’re not _____ enough or deserving. Not lovable. Not worth it. Flawed. We messed up.
I DON’T WANT TO…….
The hardest practice of life is being with ourselves and it, exactly how it is, exactly as we are. Even in the moments of challenge. These are mostly the moments that we are in battle with our own beliefs about ourSelves.
Acknowledge the thought and choose your next action, freely. Pema Chodron says the 3rd step is making this a lifelong process.
What are you learning from your thoughts?
I am learning that they are just that. That life is all made up. That we create it all, in our world, and that’s the only world we are ever going to live in. So, have some fun and some humor with my humanity. Laugh at it. EnJOY life, people. Be Love. Connect. Sleep. Laugh. Run. Be Alone, with nature. Be Alone. Allow mySelf to flow through any and all human experiences. Let mySelf off the hook. Love. Choose.
Cue; Back to tonight…….I don’t want to……go out for Sam’s birthday. Um, really? Did I have that thought, yep, repetitively this evening. That’s how automatic and illogical highjacks can be. My brother means the world to me and going out with my favourite people when what I really need is Love and Hugs……Yep…..totally…..I don’t want to……
So, I went. Surrounded mySelf in Love, spent time with some extraordinary people and ate DQ ice cream cake. It was amazing. Filled me with enough Love to write this.
Cause life is so much more than our thoughts………
Thinking itself is Limiting………………