Today, I have the pleasure of being with one of my dearest friends and her 5 day old baby boy. What a pleasure to hold this little man in my arms and snuggle him, welcome him. I am so proud of my friend for bringing this beautiful life into the world. For going through everything she went through to deliver him safely to us. I cried big time when I heard he had arrived, it kind of shocked me, since I get big news often. This one just moved me in a way I hadn’t been in a long time. Sheena and I go way back. We met in grade 8, we have been through thick and thin, and everything in between. I know what a miracle this little man is.
As I hold Peanut (the interim name of Sheena’s son) I am reminded of the day when Ayden was a week old and we got the call. “We are cancelling your surgery Judy, your cancer is inoperable”. It’s almost like holding this baby brought it all back. I’ll never forget the moment I was told my mom would be leaving me. Tears rush in as I write this. I was devastated.
How could she? I had a brand new baby. I couldn’t do it without her. The fear rushed in, it’s palpable, even now.
Now, I was a mother, about to lose my own. I wasn’t just losing my mom, I was losing my best friend.
Let me tell you a bit about Ma……..
My Ma was a beauty, when she walked in a room, people noticed. Her laugh filled spaces, often turned heads and her energy transformed lives. If you met her, you never forgot her, and she never forgot you. She was bright and colourful and Loved with abandon. She was one of a kind.
There are so many great memories I have of us travelling and laughing. Mostly, laughing. She was my joy. Her zest for life was contagious, her sense of adventure unending. She lived. We lived. We danced, sang, had deep conversations, were spontaneous and had shit tons of fun. We were life partners.
It wasn’t always this way. I remember this as a mom when I want to judge myself. She was human. She made mistakes. My childhood years with her, honestly, they sucked. But that didn’t stop Ma from loving us with all she had. In hindsight, she did the best she could with what she had. It didn’t feel that way at the time, I am grateful to know it now.
Never did I imagine in my wildest dreams I would be writing a blog about her, celebrating mothers day without her. Not this young.
So, as Mother’s Day approaches, I notice a lump in my heart. A huge missing piece that even I can’t really be with. A reminder. Of a mother who left too soon. Amongst all of life’s circumstances, I’m taking this moment to cry, to remember, to honour her memory with this blog.
Dear Ma, not a day goes by I don’t hear your laugh and see your smile. I miss you more than I could ever describe. Thank you for giving me the ability to Love fully, to live fully. I could have never known what you gave me, until now. I wish I could tell you how much I appreciate you, how much you meant to me. I wish I could hold you and joke with you. I wish you could tell me I’m doing a great job. I wish you were here, even though I know you always are. It’s not the same. Happy Mother’s Day Ma. I Love you. Infinity and beyond.
To all the mom’s out there who give everything of themselves every day, Thank you. Know that no matter how much you think you’re fucking up, you’re doing a great job. I can still hear Ma saying, no matter what, know that you are a great mom. I forget sometimes, I am sure we all do. Amongst my busy passionate life, I do my best to be with Ayden as much as I can, to leave him knowing he is loved. I want him to know that, I know it makes THE difference. It’s hard though, right Mamas? Hard to give ourselves the space to mess up, to be human……………
Let’s all honor ourselves this weekend. By reminding ourselves that we are heros. No matter what, our kids look up to us, they love us. We are enough.
Happy Mother’s Day to you all. To Sheena, to me, to Ma. Every one of us.