Well, I’m full of snot, my calves hurt so bad I can barely walk, I’ve been crying all day and my eyes are puffy.
My identity has no interest in writing this blog right now in fact it wishes I would shut the f*** up. But I would like to share with you how the darkest of darks occurs for me because if I can reach one person who may feel the same I may save lives.
For most of my life I have had a conversation in my head that I’ll refer to as “the suicide conversation”. It’s the one that tries to take me out, and mine, is pretty powerful. It kicks in telling me that anything I do is not going to be good enough, people will all talk badly about me, it doesn’t matter what I give of myself it’ll never be enough. It wants to know why I would continue to develop myself when the process of development itself is so uncomfortable.
And to tell you the truth some days I have no answer for that. Some days the only answer I can really come up with is because I have to. Inherently, I know it is my calling, I am living my purpose.
The thing is I get caught in the dichotomy between doing what I love and having it be my entire life. I love my life I love my work I love what I get to do in the world and sometimes it takes everything out of me. I guess you could say I give everything to it and I’m left with nothing. Well, I guess you could say, nothing I could say about it would be the Truth.
All I can really say is that the experience is like my body is deflating. My mind becomes extra chatty, and mean. My eyes hurt and I’m known to cry at the drop of a hat and need no justifiable reason.
The reason I really share this with you today is that I have not had an emotional struggle like this for a very long time. Please note, that for the past 6 months these experiences have been flooding in.
When I was a child I was considered to be “depressed” and was medicated off and on for over 8 years. I’ve been unmedicated for over 6 years. I have shared my experiences, but never this publicly. Gulp.
What I’ve learned in all my “work” is that we must do all we can to not go to, what I call “the second location“. The second location, for me, is that conversation (each of ours sounds a little different) that leads you to secrecy and silence, believing you must be the only crazy person who thinks these terrible thoughts. Then you believe it and follow its lies. THAT’S THE SECOND LOCATION.
Here’s how I stay out, even when it means I am a crying, puffy eyed, energy sucking mess.
I know to reach out and share, to be authentic about it. I don’t hide it.
No, I will not believe you, I will not. I will eat chips and ice cream and watch a movie. (I’m literally still in my pajamas with puffy eyes) Sure I will. But I’ll choose a comedy and I’ll write an effing blog about you. You don’t win. I can still feel my feelings and journey through them. Allow tears to flow.
This may possibly be one of my greatest breakthroughs ever.
I am unmasked. I am me.
It’s been a really scary process so far, although worth every moment. I will not hide though, the moments we are all having in silence. That only feeds the second location.
There’s nothing wrong with us. We’re human. We are built with feelings and emotion and they guide us, and they stop us.
AND, we are Creator.
I am allowing myself to be fully accepted. Even this conversation. I’m gonna love it up!
I have just left my friends with my son so that I can watch a movie and eat a bag of chips. I am giving myself the evening to wallow, as I call it, in my emotions. To allow them the space to exist and to have their own time and to allow them to flow out.
I believe that truly one of the things missing in the world is the freedom to have our emotions exist. We call it all sorts of things mental illness, depression, anxiety they’re all our emotions coming out. It’s scary.
I’m reminded by writing this blog that we have power over it only when we have power with it.
For, the conversation is in the back of my mind right now, wishing I had never pressed record or send…..
For the record, it took me a week and some probing to post this. That’s exactly why I am doing it. The next day, I felt better, I didn’t want to share this experience any more. I wanted to “have it together”…..but hey. If you’ve ever found yourself fighting for your own life, with your thoughts, this blog is for YOU! Don’t go to the second location, don’t hide out and think you’re crazy. Call a good friend, hire a coach, cry, walk….do anything to stay in the game.
With that, I’m out. Xoxoxox